The Mixed Relationship Checklist
Relationships are so messy and so simple, all at the same time.
Wouldn’t it be ideal if we all could just accept people as individuals and all had the capacity to fully understand each other that way - without worrying about the family obligations, the cultural expectations, the implicit biases that come with skin color and race…? That would be nice.
But a lot of times, those issues can get heavy and, if you’re not prepared, drag you down until you don’t even know why you’re in this relationship in the first place.
Which is maddening. Because we all know, Love is a Wonderful Thing (so says Michael Bolton), Love is a Beautiful Thing (sings Vulpeck), Love is a Many-Splendored Thing (agrees Nat King Cole), and so on and so forth. Love is nothing less than the greatest experience of the human existence. I am completely sure of this.
But somewhere along the way after that electrifying moment when your eyes meet, the sneaky foes of True Love creep up on you in one form or another - and they’re almost always some mutation of Uncertainty, Fear and Miscommunication.
When it comes to interracial or intercultural relationships, these enemies can become harder to recognize and fend off because you’re in unfamiliar territory a lot of the time.
And if you don’t have someone around you who understands what it is like to be in that kind of relationship, you could feel like you’re on your own.
I’m writing this as the result of an interracial, intercultural marriage (my Korean mother and American father who just figured things out as they went along) and as a first-hand learner from my own relationship with a biracial African-American and Korean man.
The earlier generations of interracial Korean relationships have shown mixed results to say the least, and it’s fairly recently that we have been trying to understand the cultural, social and personal reverberations of that. It’s partly what we do here on The Halfie Project.
A Korean friend of mine who recently got into a serious relationship with a young man from Texas, U.S. said to me, “You should make a checklist for 국제커플 (international couples). It would be so helpful.”
The thought intrigued me. Healthy, prominent examples of interracial, intercultural, and international relationships are not easy to come by. They definitely exist, and certainly in more capacity than how they’ve been portrayed in the media for a long time, but I am not ignorant to the fact that terrible and even irreparable damage can result from these kinds of relationships gone wrong.
As we see more mixed marriages happening, especially among people who previously did not mingle with outsiders so much (like in Korea), it is absolutely necessary to discuss what healthy, happy, thriving relationships between different cultures, ethnicities and nationalities could look like.
I’m not here to talk about all the bad things that could happen. Instead, I want to write a checklist so that you experience only the good things in your love.
Take a moment to consider these questions and examine yourself with honesty. Also remember, that just because your answer isn’t positive now doesn’t mean that can’t change. We all have the power to grow and improve, if we choose to.
ONE - COMMUNICATION
Communication is absolutely number one on this list for a reason. Poor communication can cause the downfall of even the most well-meaning couples. Thankfully, it’s a skill - meaning you can always improve with intentional practice.
The way we communicate is impacted by many factors whether we’re aware of it or not; our culture, our immediate surroundings, social pressure, education level, self-awareness and, of course, language, to name a few.
The first step to good communication isn’t conveying messages at all (whether that is verbally, through body language, or written word), but it is listening and trying to understand what your partner is telling you (whether that is verbally, through body language or written word.)
A few questions to consider for your own relationship:
Do you even want to be a good communicator, or do you just want to get your point across?
Is it important that you speak the same language with similar fluency?
Do you consider the other partner’s language with equal importance to your own?
Do you think correct grammar and a rich vocabulary is necessary for good communication?
Does one partner speak in a vernacular that your social group assumes is ‘rough’ or ‘uneducated’?
When you are with a social group who doesn’t ‘speak correctly,’ do you ever look down on them?
If you have children, what language(s) would you like them to speak?
Are you comfortable with not being part of the conversation if you cannot speak the same language?
TWO - EDUCATION
I’ve witnessed too many unhappy relationships because of an education superiority and inferiority complex, particularly between men who may assume education is simply another stepping stone in life and women from countries that historically didn’t prize education for girls.
A good education doesn’t just expand our knowledge or train us how to think critically; it can also elevate you to a different social status. Education has long been the key to accessing higher social classes, which goes hand in hand with power, prestige and reputation.
Do you think a person who didn’t have access to education is less intelligent than you?
Do you notice your social group ever looking down on your partner, or showing passive aggressive attitudes if your partner shows a lack of social awareness? Are you willing to address this with sensitivity?
Have you considered that your partner might feel insufficient or even useless because they didn’t get the same education as you?
Do you assume that your own knowledge and skills are more important/more accurate/more reliable than your partner’s?
THREE - POWER & SELF SUFFICIENCY
Oftentimes In mixed relationships, particularly in international marriages, one person has to make the bigger sacrifice. Whether that is choosing to change nationalities, live in their partner’s country or leave behind the social groups they are familiar with and start over with an entirely new culture or language.
This can temporarily or even permanently create a misbalance of power or self-sufficiency. Your partner may need to rely more on you than what you expected, or you might feel helpless in many situations without your partner.
Can you accept that your abilities may be limited? This can include handling finances, running a business, managing your children’s education, dealing with legal issues or even be as simple as setting up a bank account.
Do you feel inferior if you can’t do certain things in the same capacity you could in your home country?
Does your parter make you feel inferior if you need help for things they consider simple?
Can you recognize and figure out how to navigate cultural norms that are unfamiliar to you?
Is it frustrating when you can’t understand a social situation? Are you okay with being on the outside of the group?
Are you patient enough and willing to teach your partner how to navigate social and cultural norms that feel obvious to you?
Do you think people who can’t “catch on” are unintelligent?
Do you encourage and support your partner when they step outside of their comfort zone?
Does your partner have a social circle, but you don’t?
Are the only friends you have because they are your partner’s friends? Does that matter to you? Could you rely on them if you needed help?
FOUR - FAMILY
An important aspect of a relationship that can elevate your life beyond what you could ever have hoped for, or make you more miserable than you ever knew was possible….
When every holiday or event becomes an international diplomatic affair, it’s understandably exhausting to even just think about meeting with family.
In my previous relationship with the Ex-Boyfriend, I had met his family and spent Christmas with them and had the whole talk about marriage and where we would live and where our kids would grow up and how they have to speak Korean and which church we would attend and what job I should have and how often we would visit and how unusual it would be because I’m half-Korean and how different we were and-
I have to cut myself off here. There were many things that hijacked my happiness with my Ex-Boyfriend, and things ended because it just wasn’t right, but one of the things that swung our future out of favor was the dynamic between me and his family.
Besides the many expectations that were placed on me that his family took for granted, there was also the question of distance and separation. Being with him would mean being far away from my family. It was a concern I didn’t think would bother me until I was face to face with it.
Many of us mixed Korean kids grew up without connecting with one side of the family, either due to physical distance (growing up in a different country), cultural differences (Korean mom doesn’t get along with American grandma), or even racial tensions.
Love and marriage is between two individuals, but family is quick to whip off your rose-colored lenses and make you see reality. Can you handle it?
How often do you want to visit your family?
Are you willing or able to pay the high financial cost if you have to travel far?
Does your family treat your partner with respect? Or is your partner the eternal ‘alien’ because of their nationality or race?
Does your family tip-toe around your partner’s differences?
Is it uncomfortable to be around certain family members? Are you both okay with that?
Does marriage mean cutting off some family members? Is that a choice you both are willing to make?
Are you okay with your children growing up without seeing their cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles as often as you’d like?
Would your parents be understanding if your children grow up speaking a different language from them?
Are you willing to be the buffer/negotiator between your parents and your partner, if necessary?
Do you mind having to explain your relationship and choices constantly to your family?
Do they support your decision to be in a mixed relationship? If they don’t support it, are you patient and compassionate enough to explain yourself?
How long are you willing to wait for your family to accept your relationship?
Does your partner fall back into their comfortable norms they grew up with when they’re with their family and old social groups, even when it hurts you?
Do you feel as if you can’t fit in with your partner’s family on issues that you cannot change? Does that matter to you?
IN CONCLUSION,
Ideally, nobody will understand your relationship better than the two people involved. Together, you make the decisions and live with the consequences, both good or bad.
The twist is we can never fully predict how things will turn out.
Maybe Mom doesn’t get along with your partner now, but fifteen years later Mom has become Grandma and suddenly she can’t see all of those old biases anymore in the face of a cute little baby (as was the case of my fiance’s parents). But it will take immense patience and compassion to reach that moment.
I am not opposing mixed relationships. How could I, when I see how much joy can come from being in such a loving, fulfilling and happy relationship myself? All I am saying is relationships are already wonderfully complex; then add culture, language barriers, unspoken biases, social tensions and logistics, and suddenly what was a simple love story has become a life-long journey of navigating things you never even thought about before.
As in any love story, there’s a lot on the line. Go into a relationship joyfully and soberly, in equal parts.
If the enemies of a happy relationship are Uncertainty, Fear and Miscommunication, then the foundations of a thriving relationship are a dedication to each other’s happiness, confidence in each other’s devotion, and sincere, open communication.
The beauty of those things are that they can be achieved by anyone, no matter what language you speak, whatever you look like or wherever you’re from.
Since you’re still reading…
Cedric and I are officially engaged and planning our wedding for summer 2024!
If you’d like, you can visit our wedding website here and send a gift. It would be gratefully received! I’ll be sharing more about the wedding planning as time goes, so make sure to subscribe to the newsletter for regular updates.