20 Things I Learned in 2020
by Becky 베키
I love even, symmetrical things. Straight lines and things that fit just right.
Neat interior design where everything is placed precisely where they should be and storage rooms are empty (because you have only exactly what you need and not a scrap more). I especially like even numbers.
In fact, when I was smaller and read books way past bedtime (sometimes under my bed covers with a small light to avoid parental detection), I would wait until the clock changed from 10:09pm to 10:10pm before clicking off my light and squeezing my eyes shut, so as to fall asleep at the ‘right’ time. It was admittedly a strange form of OCD that I’ve mostly grown out of, but when the end of 2019 had rolled around I was waiting eagerly for 2020 for all the just-right, symmetrical, neatly packaged moments that were most assuredly going to come my way.
2020 was such a perfect number, after all.
Put away that scornful look. I already realize how wrong I was.
So while most things this year came as welcome and expected as an avalanche at a beach wedding (though with climate change we very well could be anticipating that any moment now), there are a number of things learned this year that I imagine will stay with me much longer than 2020 will.
In honor of my childhood love for even numbers and ironic regret at the passing of a perfectly numbered year when few perfect things happened, here are the 20 Things I’ve Learned in 2020.
Giving Your Heart is Okay
2020.12.12 (another delightful number) marks the Happiest Occasion of the Year - my engagement to Cedric ‘Skycedi’ Stout, who also happens to be the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me, if we’re giving out whimsical titles.
It symbolizes not only a new beginning, but a very defined mark that I’ve truly grown past some childish beliefs that I am ‘absolutely happy being alone’, that ‘being single is indicative of a strong, individual woman who doesn’t sell her freedom in exchange for a ring’. While there are those who are certainly capable of doing life on their own, and I do believe I could have been one of those people, I wouldn’t necessarily have been happy in full.
Additionally, marriage doesn’t seem to be that vaguely frightening end of my freedom as it always had appeared; rather, it feels like an enticing adventure that I had never really thought about, but now that it’s happening, I’m fully ready to enjoy the ride.
2. Doing those traditionally expected grown up things doesn’t mean you’re losing out.
One of my friends recently had a baby; a beautiful, baby girl who is perfect in all ways simply by existing. But we were talking about how people had responded to her pregnancy, which by all accounts was a complete shock that initially might have been perceived as an interruption to the original plan.
Comments ranging from surprise to near disdain that a young, attractive woman would ‘give up’ a life of fun in exchange for a husband and baby. How strange and depressing that I would have once thought that, too.
But the celebration of a new baby, the joyful solemnity of a life vow to your partner, and planting roots are not losing out; they are additions to the joys of life you’ve experienced so far.
3. Some people aren’t going to make it to the next chapter
This is unfortunately a double sided statement. There are those who have passed away this year and we will never forget them. Death is the enemy who strikes fatal blows when we are already down, and saying goodbye abruptly to friends, family or people who had inspired us has taken the whole year of grieving. Some people are just not going to be there when the new year comes and we are forced to make our peace with that.
The other side of this statement is a choice. If anything, 2020 has taught us to decide what and who we really want with us through the tough times. Those who are close to us in heart will always remain so, even when physically we are far apart.
4. Caring for someone other than yourself is incredibly fulfilling.
Yeah, people say this all the time, yeah, we cry over sacrifices made for friends in movies and yeah, we wish someone loved us enough to give up everything to be with us. But when you actually make those sacrifices for someone else, you don’t lose anything, not really. You gain so much more.
TIME’s 2020 Pet of the Year was dedicated to rescue animals. So many people adopted pets this year, and though humans were locked up in their houses, those rescued animals were set free in their new homes.
This is still a bit of a secret on instagram, and only those who actually read my blog posts carefully will discover that this year I adopted a little kitten myself. Giving her eye meds three times a day, feeding her daily, trimming her claws, getting woken at 4 am every morning because of her playful antics, and brushing her fur on the regular were all additional chores and blessings. Chanel, my Korean shorthair, kitten from the streets, has fallen into my hands and I’ll do my best to make her life the happiest it could ever be.
5. Cooking and eating home food is seriously so much better
Remember when we used to go out with our friends for drinks and then get a late night snack at 2 am? Remember regretting that at 6 am a few hours later? I have to say, I do not miss those kinds of meals.
Something that I’ve discovered this year is how much fun it is to cook at home, and dare I say (though this is not really a testament to my skills in the kitchen) how much tastier home-cooked food is for some mysterious reason. I can’t make fancy things just yet, but as my mental recipe book has expanded, my enjoyment at whipping up a good 찌개 also grows. I like knowing what went in my dish, every single sesame seed. The presentation is definitely much worse (this is why I have not posted anything on my social media) but my waistline, my skin and my wallet are so much better.
6. It you stick to something, you will feel the fruits of your labor
The old adage of slow and steady wins the race has proven true once more. In reality, the race feels unbelievably long and ‘slow and steady’ is really more like 'painful, annoying, difficult, teeth-grinding, temper-testing, late night work sessions and despair.’ But that’s not really pithy enough.
I’ve been working on my channel and podcast The Halfie Project for nearly two years now. It’s been one of my greatest joys and my team of few, loyal men has been one of my greatest blessings, but it has always felt like the amount of work going in reaped few rewards. Until this year. As the channel and podcast grew in content and subscribers, we could see how our work impacted our audience in positive ways, thanks to the messages and mail we received. We were invited to speak at conferences, give online lectures and appeared on Korean tv shows.
Though even without those things I would find meaning in the Halfie Project, seeing outward expressions of impact from our work only fills me with more gratitude and motivation.
7. Also; don’t get caught up feeling gratified and stop working
All that being said in Lesson #6, I then faced a challenging truth. It’s so easy to be proud of yourself and the work already accomplished and simply ride the waves of good feelings rather than push further onwards. The Halfie Project was once again the teacher here. We had a few videos take off and I felt like we had earned that. But instead of being inspired to work harder, I grew lazy and self-congratulatory. Our listeners will understand if we don’t post every week, right? I mean, we’ve got so many other episodes they can check out, I thought to myself as I missed a recording session. Then one episode become two and the next thing I knew, I was panicking and feeling overwhelmed with the idea of trying to catch up. Momentum is not easy to create again once you’ve come to a standstill.
8. Health is Number One
And I didn’t even have to hit middle age or get a hip replacement to realize this!
Look, I still can knock back quite a few and wake up hungover-free (do I have some superhuman ability to process alcohol?) and I still go outside in freezing weather with little disregard to my uncovered head. But I have witnessed a global pandemic and the way communities go off the rails economically, socially, mentally and emotionally when our health is at risk.
I have been fortunate to not feel the effects of a severe illness or injury and consequentially value good health having experienced the loss of it, but rather from a frighteningly up-close, albeit outsider perspective (and may it stay that way) I have seen how much we lose when we lose our health.
9. When you can’t see someone, you realize suddenly how much you want to see them
Absence makes the heart grow fonder. After this year, I know quite well whom I miss.
10. The daily routines make life that much better
Monotony is a friend to the creative thinker. I have found that when nothing is calling me out of bed at 7 am, waking up because I have to vacuum my house is perfectly reason enough; why? Because that’s what I DO.
By keeping these small routines daily, it’s like keeping rituals of gratitude to my humble life. I vacuum my house every day because I want to live in a clean place. I drink a cup of water every morning because I want to feel fresh and hydrated. I read a little before sleeping every night because I want to keep my mind sharp and full of new ideas.
Life, I have discovered, is not necessarily about grand trips to the farthest point of earth or monumental events that change the whole world. I find that the little daily routines have created the space for my creativity to grow and out of that, my satisfaction with life.
11. They’re not going to listen to you if they don’t want to listen
Of a year filled with incredibly public arrogance from certain world leaders and now the fall-out of circulating theories ranging from skepticism to blatant conspiracies, we have witnessed on an embarrassingly global scale what happens when people do not want to hear the other side. I’ll let the politics play themselves out and watch from the sidelines. But this carries over into our personal lives as well.
This year, I bit my tongue so many times I wonder if I’ve chewed it to nothing.
Quietly listening to someone rage against the government’s failures to protect us, carefully expressionless as a friend gushes about a guy whom I know is trouble, and stolidly silent while someone remarks that Black Lives Matters is racist because it’s about Black lives, and not all lives. Why didn’t you say something, Becky? You might ask me. Because what you say, how you say it, where you say it, and when you say it can either bring you together or tear everything apart.
I’ve learned that while some battles are definitely work fighting, it’s the battlefield that also matters, otherwise everyone just ends up dead.
12. So the follow up lesson is; be present and be ready.
When someone is finally ready to have a discussion, you’ve got to be ready, too. Until then, the best thing you can do is to be there, be supportive and be kind. When someone’s worldview crumbles, when their opinions bite them in the you-know-where, or the guy they thought was perfect turns out to be exactly what you thought he was, they’ll turn to you because they know you won’t say, “I told you so.”
No one cares what you know until they know that you care.
13. Love Thy Neighbor
In our world today, our ‘neighbor’ goes far beyond the person who physically lives in the building next to you.
Our neighbors are the people who are shopping at the mart with us. They’re the people reading your instagram posts. They’re the parents of the kids going to your school. Our world is so intertwined with those around us that our actions can have huge repercussions. I’ve learned this year to be highly aware of those around me; because I didn’t want my casual negligence to leave a terrible, lasting mark on their lives.
So while some churches preached that their doors must remain open and masks were “not christian” and how God would heal anyone who prayed hard enough, I practiced my faith by loving my neighbors and putting them first. I’m bitter when I think of how some religious leaders took this year to exemplify hypocrisy at its finest.
14. Exercise and get fresh air
There isn’t too much I can add onto that. When physically you feel good, your mentality and emotions often follow suit. I relished in my ability to still do push-ups, though I hadn’t lifted weights at the gym for a long time. Good job, body, I thought to myself. You’ve got life in you yet. This body deserves fresh air and sunlight, and I wanted it more than ever this year. I hope never to take those things for granted.
15. The end of your 20s is not the end.
It is, however, the end of some things.
It’s the end of you getting on the Forbes 30 Under 30 list (a secret wish of mine), and it’s also the end of allowable foolishness. There’s something different about making idiotic mistakes when you’re 25 than when you’re 35. In a way, I feel better about myself, knowing my 20s are nearing the expiration date and feeling okay with that. A few years ago, I dreaded the 30s more than weight gain (Here’s some context; I was a professional fashion model in the top agency in Korea) but now coming to where I am, suddenly reaching 30 is like a pat on the back. You're here! And you like yourself! And you’ve got so much more to look forward to!
16. Things that you’re scared of are usually blown out of proportion
I used to have terrible stage fright. I envisioned myself falling flat on my face on stage and the whole audience would rise to their feet like one, booing wave of jeering humanity and throw things at me until I ran off, crying, ‘you’ll see! I’ll be big one day!’
Thankfully, that has never happened. Why? Because the things we fear are usually blown out of proportion. It’s taken quite a few failures to realize that. You reach a point where you say, shrugging, “what’s the worst that could happen?” so that when the worst DOES happen, you find out you can face it.
The power of Fear is obscurity. We don’t know what’s going to happen, and similar to imagining terrible things appearing out of the dark, we invent nightmares out of something that’s actually much plainer than what we think. It’s just an empty, dark room, so turn on the lights. It’s just a stage and a song, so practice. And if things fall apart? Well, then there’s the next stage to get ready for.
17. You’re stronger than you think
2020 tested us, that’s no lie. People suffered immensely and though the yearly clock resets itself, the first day of 2021 is no new thing from the last day of 2020. Yet, in the midst of terrible moments, strength has appeared. I found myself enduring things I didn’t know I could. It’s not entirely an optimistic thing, this grim smile and tougher mindset, but out of the hardest patch of earth, new grass springs up, and I believe hope is far longer-lasting than even the darkest days.
18. Saying you’re going to do something and then not doing it is worse than straight up saying you’re just not going to do it from the start.
Initial disappointment then getting over it is much better than hoping for a while and then being disappointed in the end. I don’t want to hear it. If you didn’t start learning to make sourdough bread by now, then I don’t believe you anymore.
19. The art you make can greatly impact someone else
To my starving artists. To my dreamers, writers, painters and poets. Your words, your art, your imaginings gave life to someone this year besides just yourself. It takes someone unique to take four, dreary walls that box us in, day in and out, and instead see four, fresh canvases upon which to create a world that exists beyond 2020.
I had to find my creative inspiration somewhere and I found it in your art. I found hope in your music. I found joy in your DIY projects and witty Tik Tok videos. I admired your resilience and inventiveness. Art might not have kept our world spinning this year, but it made it worth living in amidst the difficulties, as it always has and always will.
20. Life goes forward and you can choose to get on with it, too
Life has a funny way of moving on.
Fires can ravage a forest, but given enough time, Mother Nature will lay claim on the scarred earth and nurture life back into it. Hearts might get broken, but love rarely will leave you alone for too long, if you let it knock on the door. And time stops for no one.
You may try to hold onto one moment, one person, one career, one thing but once the river of life sweeps it all away, you’re left with only two options; drown or swim. We all were battered by the waves this time, weren’t we? But I’ll hold my breath, put my head down and keep kicking my feet. I know eventually we’ll reach steady land again.
